There’s a few people who are going through some really interesting moments right now, and these will happen constantly, so I want to talk about the reality. First of all, let’s set up the stage. We all have disappointments. We all have that hurt, we all have that pain. The pain that actually is associated to the disappointment, is associated to a number of different things. You know, disappointments show up in love, disappointments show up actually in a win. So it’s not that some emotions are, oh that’s ugly, or that’s sad. They are all necessary of what we have to go through.
So let’s talk a bit about these five things. So the first one I want to talk about is grief.
Oh, the grief that you feel when something didn’t go the way that you had planned, the fact that, I really saw that happening in a different format, a different realization, a different outcome. There is grief around the fact that, that is no longer. That is not going to be. That is not what you had on your vision board for the moment. At the same time, we only see that the options are that was the sequence of how it was going to come to pass. We cannot possibly see all the other options, and who can help in those options.
I had a situation last week where I was really disappointed. I was heartbroken that a particular thing just wasn’t looking the right way. It just took me out of my game. It really even wrote off the whole day. And then something happened and I noticed that I wasn’t allowing the contribution of other people who could make something right in this situation. I was looking at it that I needed to have all of those answers, I needed to deliver all of those answers, and I was probably disappointed a little bit about myself being in that position. So, there is grief around what you thought was going to be and that you think it’s only going to be in that sad state, related to that situation.
The next one is doubt. The doubt when you have a disappointment, you doubt in the opportunity, you doubt in the offering, you doubt in the possibility, and you doubt yourself. You go wow, if I can’t deliver on that if I can’t reach that, or if I can’t accomplish that, make that deadline, have that situation show up then we associate that disappointment and it really impacts on our self worth.
So then the third one becomes shame. And there’s been certainly a lot of wonderful conversation around shame and vulnerability from our beautiful Brené Brown, and if you haven’t yet read some of her works or seen her famous two TED Talks, then please, enjoy having a walk through that because they are fascinating. When you think about shame and you think about disappointment, the fact that other people you may have shared your goal, and it didn’t happen, and there is this shame to say well what will other people think of me?
There’s a shame to say, my family didn’t see me have that come through, I made promises. There’s a shame about disappointment of, well what was my contribution in that. Am I worthy enough? Am I good enough? That person said no to me, or that situation didn’t show up. Or the shame of not being, uh this is a really interesting tribal one I’m feeling too that if you’re in a team, a group, a business, and other people had not experienced the same disappointment at the same time, and you were feeling like you were being the single one outside of that group. So there’s a, oh, will I still be accepted in that group when they’ve had that go okay and I’ve not? So, is there some ostracizing happening as a result of that, so therefore, there’s shame built into those things. And, then, when we go into shame we go into hiding and go on our count possibly, be in the space again.
And I wanted to, this is all such beautiful timing of this discussion right now, and I saw this morning, Instagram, beautiful post from Brené that actually she shared from Viola Davis who’s an amazing actress. And I just wanna, I took a little snapshot of it and I just want to read it to you, but you can go back to Brené’s Instagram. And this is what it said is, “They talk. They tell you to develop a thick skin. So things don’t get to you. What they don’t tell you is that you’re thick skin will keep everything from getting out. Love. Intimacy. Vulnerability. I don’t want that. Thick skin doesn’t work anymore. I want to be transparent. I want to be translucent. And for that to work, I won’t own other people’s shortcomings and criticism. I won’t put what you say about me on my load.”
Wow. Isn’t that awesome? What will it take for us all to own that statement? And it’s also connected to those well what shame have I got to release? Because shame comes in as well what are other people going to think of me? I don’t want to do this because, and it holds us back from actually digging in and deciding what it is that fulfills us. What it is that our goals are, and having a go at them, because of this what other people will think.
And, we could talk about shame across a whole lot of different personalities, people and situations. You know that you’ve probably got some stuff within your own immediate four walls that you go, wow, if people knew that I would be disappointed. I would feel ashamed. They would be disappointed in me. And it’s, everyone’s got that inner four walls stuff. Sadly, you’re not unique. The situation you have might be unique, but, the ultimate of the ownership of that disappointment, that hurt, that shame it’s actually common ground. It’s what we share about us being human, we’re having a human being experience while we’re here. And it’s okay. The disappointment is as equal to the joys of love.
4. Release & Redefine
Next step which is the release and redefine, and so this releasing message that Viola shared is that, you know, saying I want to be that transparent and translucent in order for me to sort of say okay great, I felt that disappointment, I’ve shed my tears, I’ve had my pain, I’ve had my moment of grief and Joel Osteen who’s an amazing pastor who talks about it says to walk through the valley of the shadow of death in Psalms 23, but it doesn’t say build a two story house and set up your life in the valley. You walk through it. And know that, okay, well what I have I got to release? Who have I got to redefine? What isn’t a fit for me anymore? What’s my truth? And you’ve got to do some internal work to actually connect with with what is this situation trying to tell me. What do I need to learn from this situation? What do I need to know from this situation?
There was a situation, not necessarily for me, but it was actually in order for someone else to identify, look internally through what’s happening for them and then in order for them to have that experience, I needed to play my part. Sometimes, when you’re feeling that disappointment it is a fact that you may have needed to play the road block, you may have needed to play that mirror role. So redefining, okay great from that, I actually didn’t want what I thought was that, I actually want now this, but until you get up real close and in front of it you can’t actually have that experience. So, what does it allow you to redefine going forward.
And our final tip is courage. And, again, with Brené she talks beautifully about courage derived in its needing talks for the heart. Its not taking away from it, it’s just saying, what of the heart? We’re not talking about courage, it’s around being brave enough around your heart to say, okay well I’ve exposed myself in that rawness to step in and have another go. Have I got the courage to retry, to redo, to redesign what that can look like. And it is falling up and getting back up again and sometimes you want to stay down and sometimes you want to get back up and life, we have to keep getting back up. It’s a matter of the times between the fall and the getting back up. You determine that. But, it’s not a disappointing time, its just a place where you can sorta say, okay what is that, what does it feel like, it feels ugly, it feels rotten.
Here’s what I really do want to embrace, and that’s that allowing it to come in and go out and I think this beautiful flow that we are embracing right now to talk about these feelings and to talk about uniquely are you that uniquely having these experiences that there’s more common ground and that you’re okay. We’re okay. We’re all okay because we know that we’re all in this together and I have hope and I have faith and I have always an expectation in something great but it does not mean I’m without my heartaches and my disappointments and my pain and my doubts. Absolutely. You know, I love working with those women and I can see where they’ve been and I can see that they’ve are stepping in to trust someone and say I’m here in your corner, and let’s get through this. Find a great person who can step with you.
And trust is another thing you’ve got to have the courage to do, especially if you’ve had a heartbreak or a betrayal; friendships, business partners, you know it’s like, oh wow do I have that courage to reconnect and retry and re-trust. It’s amazing isn’t it.
So there we are for this time. I hope that you have got something that just triggered within you and helped you wherever you are today just to go uh-huh I’m going to work with it, so it’s either today, it’s shedding a tear and rising again. So, you’re day could be one of those things here either in shedding the tear mode or you’re in the rising again mode. Wherever you are, it’s right. Wherever you are, I’m with you and supporting you and giving you encouragement today.